- John Welwood (via bodhisol)
- Robert Brault (via lunaoki)
Anonymous said: lol your url is spelled wrong. Machine*
When you’re troubled or you feel defeated, you light up a cigarette. As if that cigarette intends to solve things you’re incapable of solving on your own. The only thing that burning stick of tobacco and chemical compounds intend on doing for you is ending the process of your work, buy, consume, die mind set a lot sooner than you can imagine.
Ignorance is your new best friend. You’re one of THOSE people, you say you’ll do one thing- you do the other. im sick of you, end of story. although i don’t know how to go about getting rid of you, im here to do my best. i hate you. but at the same time i depend on you for more than you know. i can’t grasp the concept. whenever something awful happens i think im glad i have you and i cling closer to you and i don’t think its because i love you, i think it’s because i lack independence- hard to admit but it needs to be recognized. then there is this other chap who no matter what i do; for some reason beyond my understanding won’t give up. i’m pretty sure his lack of knowing im awful and his drive to put a smile on my face regardless of my worthlessness is what gets me up in the morning. it could be all of the awful pretenses in my life, it could be him. what i do know is you don’t make me happy anymore.. very rarely a moment passes and in that little moment is a shred of happiness and bliss and those very rare moments are enough to keep me from fleeing this atrocious scene of a relationship. i just don’t get it, and by it i mean me. whats my reasoning for doing the witless things i do? i’ll never know but my poor beat down mind or my seeking happiness heart will never quit pondering. it took a lot for me to write this. it shouldn’t have.
I will probably never act upon any of my clumsy unorganized thoughts as much as i need to. i, for once, need to just up and run with one of them and trust that it will take me in the perfect direction. and if it fails to do so i will just be in the same agony i’m in now. maybe this is all because im deathly afraid to try something new- although that’s not part of my personality, it does constitute why i haven’t left you yet. im used to you. im uncomfortably comfortable with you. this is now an online diary for me to spill my hungry oblivious mind unto. and into this little post box i shall. this writing style makes me think of him. he writes.
Maybe i should go about this trusting in a more cliche understanding. maybe i should wait for a sign? maybe i should wait for a noble steed with some muscular asshole holding the reigns, to say ”be my princess”? No.
Maybe i should for once in a great while make a decision based on impulse alone, see where it takes me? see where he takes me.
The thought of not having you not only scares me but gives me a sort of false hope. the thought of not having you thrills me and kills me. don’t go. this is more than i can unwind or piece together in my head. to big of a situation; my happiness. ive never had to dwell on something this uneven. the thought of you overwhelms me in one of those ways that aren’t the least bit exciting. Pardon me for my lack of willing to comply or to be a girlfriend, ive lost something: sheer interest. Maybe this is all my fault. the fact that you’re being so calloused towards me leads me to believe otherwise. you suck.
These past few months i’ve felt voiceless. but thanks to this blue and white laptop screen im able to vomit this tricky situation via tumblr.
I’ll have the whole night to pour my enthusiasm into who ever’s mind is reluctantly soaking any of this up. but for now, i have to go to the place that makes me be nice to people i make burrito’s for.
Anonymous said: Chill blog -@thetennisphenom